Well, Now What?

I was fortunate enough to take two sabbaticals at my last company. Five weeks each, the first at the ten year mark, and the second at fifteen.

When I joined the company, sabbaticals were highlighted as a perk with the dual goal of rewarding long-term commitment and having the employee return with fresh perspectives, renewed energy and reinvigorated creativity.

I didn't give it a second thought. I figured I'd be there 2-4 years, rolling on to whatever came next just like I had at every other company. I spent zero minutes contemplating the benefit of an extended block of time off.

But then, there I was, July 2018 - about to step away from the daily grind for 5 whole weeks, longer than any break from work in almost 20 years. To be blunt I was terrified. It wasn't that I didn't know what to do. I had back to back long trips planned with my family. I was super excited to set out on those vacations.

I was terrified that something was going to go wrong. Terrified I'd forgotten to find someone to take some deeply nested responsibility. At the time I was early in my leadership career. I was past the micro-manager phase but deep into the micro-worrier journey. I was utterly convinced that calamity would ensue and somehow I would be shown out as a fraud who couldn't lead a dog with a steak.

Something worse happened. Far worse. Devastating even. When I got back, everything was fine. Totally and completely fine, maybe even better than when I had left. It was beyond demoralizing - stretching into full dissociative spiraling - what am I? - am I not needed?

It took a bit of focused breath work but I eventually realized how wonderful this was. Both being hit over the head with a frying pan to make me see the true value of those I worked with, and the realization that we all have the responsibility to stretch and drive ourselves in new directions to make space for others to thrive.

Even though my career had advanced during those 10 years, I had fallen into the trap of thinking I was the only one who could {insert task here}, pulling along lots of little job anchors that prevented me from sprinting forward. Even more shockingly I realized that I could do new things and be good at them.

I didn't make my 20 year sabbatical, but I've been figuring out what's next for 5+ weeks now. The best thing these breaks have given me is the confidence that those I've left behind will figure out how to do what they need, even if it's a little rough for a while; and the confidence that wherever I land I'll be able to figure out what I can do to help my new team succeed.